Arthurian legends are a tad bit silly sometimes.

I’m a rather big fan of Arthurian myth, something about cool magic swords and knights are just cool to me.

But after Sir Bedivere, Lancelot, Galahad, and the other big name knights, the tales become a little weird.

Because as Monty Python said, Camelot is a silly place.

You had people such as Sir Lamorak, who was killed by Sir Gaheris after catching him in the middle of boning Gaheris’s mom.

Or Sir Feirefez the half-brother to Sor Percival, and the son of a wandering knight and a moorish queen, and thus mixed, but the Medieval English surprisingly didn’t know what a mixed race man looked like and is thus said to have both black and white skin and was said to have skin similar to a swallow.

Or Sir Dinadan, who before getting violently murdered by Agravain, was a cool comedian who got beat by a crossdressing Lancelot.

But no, we’re not here to talk about those guys today, as silly as most of them are. Instead I’m talking about Sir Caradoc of the short arm, and his wife, Guinier of the golden breast.

Our story begins as most do, with a wizard named Eliavres spying a beautiful woman named Ysave, only problem is that she is married to Sir Caradoc the not yet Elder.

So the wizard uses magic to make Caradoc mistake various forms of farm animals for his wife. Good god. And then sleeps with Ysave while Caradoc is uh…busy.

This leads to Ysave becoming pregnant and after a good bit of time, Caradoc is born, named after Sir Caradoc who assumes the kid is his.

Unfortunately after Sir Caradoc the Younger joined the round table, Eliavres comes back, asks someone to cut off his head or else he’ll take theirs, Young Caradoc gives it a try, magic shenaniganery ensues, Eliavres lives, but refuses to cut off Caradoc’s head and instead reveals that he is Caradoc’s father.

So teaming up with his best friend, Sir Cador, Caradoc manages to chase and capture Eliavres, and bring him back to Camelot to expose his affair with Ysave, leading to them both being arrested. Also Eliavres is subjected to humiliation by various forms of farm animals and thank god the text didn’t specify what that was any further.

Unfortunately Eliavres escapes, and sends a cursed snake after Young Caradoc, the snake attaches itself to his arm, and drains away his life force.

Thankfully he has a plan, and get Cador’s sister, Guinier, to strip naked and sit in a tub of milk, meanwhile he sits down in a vat of vinegar. The snake because snakes apparently naturally hate vinegar and love milk according to the text, then leaps off Caradoc’s arm and onto Guinier’s teat, at which point Caradoc attempts to cut the snake in half, but accidentally takes Guinier’s teat off as well.

Thankfully a blacksmith at Camelot managed to forge a golden teat to replace Guinier’s lost one, and she becomes known as Guinier of the golden breast. And one of Sir Caradoc’s arm is a bit shrunk due to the snake draining him, so he’s known as Caradoc of the short arm. And then they get married I guess. And Caradoc later becomes king of Gwent which is apparently why all the welsh kings of Gwent claimed descent from this guy.

Key takeaway is that all of medieval England was probably really bored if they thought up of shit like this.

Old Arthurian Myth was basically Medieval English MCU.